The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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