look no pants
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
