By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
