When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
