Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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