I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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