Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
