You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
false alarm, still single
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