the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
