I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
