i just sent this text using only my big toe
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
