I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.