I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms