my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
