so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
