This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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