she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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