I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
