I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
