she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
barbara walters just said penis...
You smell like stripper and shame
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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