So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
