dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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