I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
