god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
