I'm going to jail i love you
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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