oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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