i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
