Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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