he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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