just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
