I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
