I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
