I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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