i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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