How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
