saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
