You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
