hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
