I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
