I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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