First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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