I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
