the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
