Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
