True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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