I can text with my tongue
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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