I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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