i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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