I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
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Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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