just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
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He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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