Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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