Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
