just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
