VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
