Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
