I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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