Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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