I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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