some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I didn't notice because vodka
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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