my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
