fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I need moral support for this bender
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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