Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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