Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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